To Grow Is To Fail

    One of the most regrettable moments of my life occurred in 2016, during my second year in the US. I was a sophomore in High school, struggling to adapt, make meaningful relationships, and fit in the community. For a long time, my days were numb and predictable; I knew nothing interesting was likely to happen in school. One day, however, that finally changed. A beautiful girl with brown curly hair, and light blue eyes, just came crashing into my numb reality. For weeks there wasn't a day that I wouldn't look forward to English so I could look at Mia look at me. But as the hills are high, the valleys are deep. Many days went by, and every day my only goal was to say "hi," which turned out to be impossible. I had failed to speak—reflecting on my failure to talk to her had revealed insights about my fear of judgment, confidence, and the importance of living in the moment.

    I was 15 when I came to the United States; I had taken English classes previously but only knew enough to introduce myself or maybe ask to go to the bathroom. During my freshman year, I had to take Esol (English to Speakers of Other Languages), but fortunately, I quickly moved on to regular English classes. Even though I could understand most of the English language, there was still something preventing me from making American friends and connecting to people. It's difficult to pinpoint only one reason, although a significant factor was the fear of judgment and stereotypes, I was also going through some complicated emotional imbalances, I guess typical of a high school student. I used to feel tremendous anxiety from simple interactions with people, notably girls, so I began to avoid it as much I could.

    Fear of judgment was slowly but surely draining my peace and confidence away. Sitting in English class behind Mia, I had a conflict of thoughts. On one side, I thought, "I am not ready. I'm gonna sound weird, not know what to say. She definitely won't like a person who can't even talk properly". On the other hand, I was eager to say something, anything, but that wasn't enough to overcome the anxiety and negative thoughts. One day, the teacher had an activity for the class; she gave us cards with pictures of animals, instructed us to find someone else that had an animal of the same family, and then shared our responses to the question. For better or worst, everyone had a pair except Mia and me. When I heard the teacher calling me to be Mia’s partner, my brain began to flood in anxiety; I couldn't calm my mind down; it was like going up a roller coaster ride, but never dropping down. She asked me if I wanted to go first; I shook my head, indicating that I didn't. She looked down at her paper and started sharing her answer. As she was reading, I realized, "wait...I'll have to speak." I lost control of my body; it felt like I became a mere spectator watching the situation from above, entirely out of my head. My eyes started to water, I remember trying to control my mind remembering how simple the whole thing should be, but that didn't seem to help at all. She finished reading and looked up; my eyes were wet. We stared at each other for some seconds until the teacher broke up the pairs. I was ashamed of myself, hoping that she hadn't noticed my eyes. What had been to most people in that room that day, a mere 5 minutes conversation, was, for me, the most complex, exhausting, and agonizing social encounter of my life. 

    Although at the time I could barely cope with it, recently I've come to learn valuable lessons. Kala White, a man who, after dropping out of school, ended up on the streets, and then regretted the mistakes he made, wrote: "Those past experiences, good and bad, are the foundation of my present character" (White 27-31). Like many other failures, I believe this was the beginning of a build-up towards a healthier mindset. People say the first step to solving a problem is to identify what the problem is. That experience was my point of realization; it was so deeply frustrating that I finally acknowledged I had to work on myself. The first lesson I learned was to be more present. My life isn't a movie where everything is scripted and happens as planned; I had to expect the unexpected and stop visualizing myself achieving a particular goal. Scott Raymond Adams, the creator of the Dilbert comic strip and author of many nonfiction works as well as a successful businessman, wrote: "Goal-oriented people exist in a state of nearly continuous failure that they hope will be temporary" (Scott). I was continually living my goals ahead of time, blind of the present moment, like when my goal was to say "hi." The most prominent cause of my anxiety was judgment. I feared other people's thoughts, and that was a constant burn. However, I realized that I was as much of a judgmental person as I believed others were. I slowly began to transform the lens through which I look at other people, from a critical, superficial, and nonsensitive way to a more beautiful, accepting, and comprehensive lens. To my amazement, their perception of me seemed to change as well, as if people function like mirrors, reflecting the vibe projected on them.

    As I enter adult life, it seems that success is an active endeavor instead of an endpoint I'll one day arrive. Carol Dweck, an American psychologist, said it best when she advised: "When you succeed, don't simply kick back and anticipate that it will last" (Dweck). I have to remember I failed and then be more forgiving towards myself while acting in favor of a life with less regret. Failing to talk to Mia on that day will forever be part of my history, which is enough for me to avoid making the same mistakes.

Works Cited

Williams, Nicole. “Kala White”  Engaging Literacy! Urban Achievement: A Supplement Workbook for

                       Reading Development.  Paperback .  Pearson Learning Solutions.  201 0, pp.

                       27-31

Dweck, Carol. “Growth Mindset and Brainology by Carol Dweck.”  Neuroscientia , 8 Mar. 2017,

                       www.neuroscientia.com/2017/03/growth-mindset-and-brainology-by-carol.html. Adams, 

                       Scott . “REVIEW --- Fail Your Way to Success --- Forget passion; Goals are for losers;

Scott Adams reveals his secret to climbing to the top: Suffer defeat; Lots and lots of defeat.” Dow Jones &  

                       Company Inc. Oct 12, 2013.